Unrequited Love: The Ultimate Advice for Dealing with One Way Love
Got a history of unrequited love?
Here's what to DO about your
tendency for one way love!
The ultimate collection of advice on
unrequited, unreturned love!
Empower yourself to break free from your
pattern of unreturned love!
First off, this is the second, 'what-to-do' part of a two part series of self improvement articles on one way love / unrequited love. So, if you didn't already read the first one, here's your chance: One Way Love - the Signs and Psychology of Unrequited Love.
That personal development article aims to help you identify the signs of unrequited love - and discusses the basic psychology of unrequited love. If you have a tendency to feel one way love that article is a good place to start.
If you are ready to find out what to DO about your tendency for one way love, read on.
Dealing with unrequited love can be a challenge. A tendency to feel one way love has roots in some pretty basic things in human psychology and (as the above mentioned article shows) in its more powerful aspects it can affect your emotions, thoughts, beliefs and actions - indeed your entire life experience. Not in a good way, either.
You are probably experiencing powerful mood swings, where one end of the pendulum is overwhelming feelings of hurt and rejection. You may even feel embarrassed or humiliated because you made your feelings obvious and they were not reciprocated. Or, you may be tirelessly holding onto hope because your heart tells you that your life will not be complete without this person.
Your friends tell you that you shouldn't love someone who doesn't return your feelings and that you should move on. But, the "plenty of fish in the sea" theory isn't really convincing because you believe that you have already found your 'soulmate' and you aren't interested in pursuing other options.
Yes, some people take longer than others to realize their true feelings. And yes, being able to hold on without receiving love in return is sometimes the key factor that keeps a relationship together during difficult times.
But, love that remains unreciprocated can be excruciatingly painful. Learning to deal with it is vital to your personal development and your ability to live life to the fullest.
So, assuming you're ready for a change, what to do?
The Truth about Unrequited Love
First off, you need to realize the truth about what is going on with you. Let me just make that very clear:
You are sure you are not whole (but in fact you are) and you believe that someone outside of yourself will make you whole (which they won't) and finally, for one or several reasons, you subconsciously want to stay in your present condition.
So, let's get real. If you were really honest with yourself, you would have to admit that loving someone who doesn't love you in return is not an enjoyable way to live your life. Right? There is no future in that.
And, even though you may desire the object of your affection, you don't actually want to be trapped in a painful situation. Right? Right.
So, for your own health, happiness, and personal growth, you need to learn to control your own thoughts, beliefs, feelings and emotions rather than letting them control you.
The thoughts and beliefs you entertain affect your emotions, actions, and the decisions you make. But, only YOU can change the way you think and the way you view your experiences. Empowerment Theory is based on free will, but unrequited love robs your freedom and makes you a 'victim' to someone else's choices. In essence, it dis-empowers you!
By employing certain strategies or self improvement techniques, you will be able to choose how you respond to the situation of unrequited love and transform your negative feelings into positive experiences.
10 Basic Steps to Move Beyond Unrequited Love
What follows are 10 basic, practical steps plus an additional 8 steps you can take that will help you move on. Ready? Here we go ...
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 1:
Accept the Facts: Your Love Is Unrequited
Acceptance is the first step to moving on.You must admit that the other person does not have similar feelings for you. You cannot move on if you are wasting your time pining away for someone who will never return your feelings.
You must realize it is time to cut your losses. Clinging to unfounded hope or convincing yourself that they will one day change their mind is counterproductive to your personal development and indeed to your happiness.
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 2:
Try to Understand - Both Yourself and the Other
Try this: Examine your life patterns.Are you constantly desiring someone who is unavailable as a way of gaining the love and approval you did not receive from your parents? Have you developed certain defense mechanisms in response to an unhealthy relationship?
Check yourself out. Ask those who know you best if they se any patterns. Learn. Get wise. Change begins with YOU, and only YOU can break these destructive patterns in your life.
Also, there the possibility of understanding the other (or not). If you are a 'victim' of unrequited love, you have probably used some form of the phrase, "I just don't understand why they don't feel the same way or why they can't see that we were meant to be together." The truth is, romantic interests cannot be forced.
Trying to understand why a person cannot reciprocate your feelings may make it easier for you to accept the situation and help you avoid making the same mistake again.
Just keep in mind that you may never know why, and that's okay too, because you don't NEED to know what is going on with them. Your challenge actually rests entirely within yourself. None the less, here are some possible reasons:
- maybe the other person is unavailable because they are married or in another committed relationship
- possibly there is a concern about professional ethics
- maybe the other person is afraid of destroying a friendship
- the other person may harbor beliefs that are incompatible with being with you
- possibly the other person feels no emotional attraction to you
- perhaps the other person feels no physical attraction to you
Some reasons may be obvious while others may be more hidden. Both kinds may be difficult to accept, but knowing or at least considering the 'why' may help you move past the situation and deal with your feelings in a positive, productive manner. Again, just remember: You don't actually need to know the 'why'.
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 3:
Get Rid of Your Neediness
Discouragement, bitterness, and even anger is likely a result of your belief that you need someone's love in order to be happy. You can be happy just by being yourself, just by existing. You CAN you know! :-)Neediness, on the other hand, makes you a perpetual taker and hinders your ability to be a loving giver.
We're all needy from time to time, but constant neediness makes a healthy relationship virtually impossible and can really make you unattractive to others, even those who may potentially be able to return your love.
And this may come as a big surprise ... you really don't need your needs.
To let go of your perceived needs try out a method like Byron Katie's 'The Work' or my own the Let Go Metod .
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 4:
Physically, Mentally and Emotionally Distance Yourself from the Other
This is a very basic piece of advice about unrequited love: Give yourself some space.Resist the temptation to contact the other, talk about the other, or 'arrange' chance meetings.
Allow yourself the time and space to break the connection, feel the loss, and recover from the loss.
You are not doing yourself any favors by continually re-opening wounds or revisiting painful feelings.
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 5:
Get Involved in Other Activities
Unrequited love often causes you to neglect the other relationships in your life. You may even become withdrawn or cut yourself off from social activities. But, it is vitally important that you find ways to constructively fill your time and surround yourself with family and friends who will offer understanding and support.It sounds trite, but you must get your mind off the unrequited love, stop dwelling on it, and redirect your energy to something more effective such as a hobby or newly set goal. Exercise, take a vacation, plan some outings with friends, or even start dating again.
After all, you will never meet someone who will love and accept you if you are not open to other possibilities of companionship and emotional intimacy.
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 6:
Keep and Encourage Your Own Sense of Humor
Yep, unrequited love is a difficult situation. Yep, it can hurt something terrible. That, however, is no excuse to lose your sense of humor!A timeless, shameless classic in the world of movies contains the catchy refrain: "Always look on the bright side of life!" Even if you have no idea which movie I am talking about, just consider staying focused on the lighter side of life.
So, make time for fun. A lot of time. Force the issue, if you must.
Go play.
Be a little bit crazy.
Make light of everything.
Watch funny movies. (By the way, the movie referred to above is Monty Python's 'Life of Brian')
Read Gary Larson's cartoons (or whatever your favorite funny cartoons may be).
Check out some funny jokes or funny quotes or some other random funny stuff.
Remember, there really is a lot of truth to the adage, "Laughter is the best medicine."
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 7:
Be a Lot More NOW Focused
You cannot move forward if you are constantly looking back or imagining some rosy future. Your life is now. Right here, right now. That's a fact. Can you face that fact?If you feel like a victim of unrequited love, then being present hurts, I know, but it is an important step to moving on with your life.
* Learn meditation or how to go on inner journeys or how to use a method for letting go of undesirable feelings, thoughts, etc. - like my own the Let Go Method. Learn to let go of the anger and bitterness you feel, as well as any sense of hopelessness or discouragement you may have about your future. It IS possible, you know.
* Reignite your other dreams and goals, and reconnect with your passions, values, and beliefs. Get your focus back on what is really important to you because they bring you joy here and now.
If your life has been on hold, you have likely become stagnant and lost sight of those things that provided inspiration and motivation. In fact, if you were to be honest, you have probably lost sight of yourself - of who you are - because you have been so consumed with someone else.
Take a little time for some self-discovery and get reacquainted with YOU!
Yes, you may think and believe that your life is meaningless without the object of your desire, but you must let go of that belief and take control of your thoughts and beliefs. If you must imagine a future, then imagine a future without the object of your one way love. Which leads us to ...
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 8:
Find Your Self-Worth Within
You do not need anyone to validate you. Not your parents, nor your co-workers, not your friends and not your lover, be they current or desired/future.Your value is not based on external factors.
Your worth is not dependent on another. Nor is it dependent on anything. It is built into you.
Self esteem comes from within yourself. You are valuable and unique no matter what. You always have been and you always will be. No one can take that away. Ever.
When you start to realize who you really are, you also begin realize all that you have to offer. Which is a lot!
Then you can start living life with a sense of mission. The mission of being true to yourself and working toward becoming all you were meant to be! Self realization or self actualization is for you, too!
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 9:
Use Your Powerful Imagination
Imagine how free it will seem when you can talk about this person without all those old feelings resurfacing, when you can detach yourself from the situation and be able to view it as an opportunity to grow and change. So, here's what to do:* Consider alternate possibilities for your future. In your mind, project yourself forward six months, a year, or even five years, and then look back to the present from this vantage point. Creating new scenarios and exciting possibilities can give you hope and help you to once again embrace life and all it has to offer.
* Start imagining freedom. How will you feel when you reach a point of being able to choose whether or not you want to think about this person when you have control of your thoughts rather than them controlling you?
Don't underestimate the power of these small exercises. Your imagination is an extremely powerful tool.
Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Past One Way Love - Step no. 10:
Start a Personal Development Journal
The personal development journal is a great tool to help you understand yourself and your life, gain increased control over your life and make better, more productive choices.The journal allows you to vent or release emotions and express thoughts that you wouldn't tell others. It will also help you monitor your progress and easily identify areas that you would like change.
If you're interested (and you really should be), don't miss this exhaustive self improvement article on that wonderful tool: the personal development journal.
Eight Bonus Pieces of Unrequited Love Advice for Moving Beyond One Way Love
1. Give Yourself the Gift of Time
You are not going to 'fall out of love' overnight so be patient and cut yourself some slack.
In many cases, you will grieve like someone who is experiencing the loss of a relationship and only time will heal the wounds and change your perspective.
At first, you will have to make a daily decision to control your thoughts and refocus your energies, but eventually this will become easier.
2. Stay Positive - Even in Spite of Yourself
Unrequited love can often lead to anger and bitterness, which will make you a very unhappy person (and not very nice to be with, either). While the one you desire is continuing to live his or her life, you are mired in misery and robbing yourself of joy. Not a good idea.
Instead, you need to start consciously maintaining a positive attitude. Remember, you cannot always control the circumstances that you face, but you are responsible for your responses.
A positive approach will help you create positive experiences from a seemingly negative situation.
3. Do Not Demean Yourself
Just because one person does not love you does not mean that you do not have good qualities or that there is something wrong with you.
List those things you like about yourself and read through the list daily. If you don't know where to start, ask your family and friends.
Remember, until you can truly appreciate and love yourself, you will be unable to completely love and appreciate another.
4. Do Not Blame - Neither Yourself Nor the Other
Again, try to view unrequited love from a positive perspective. Don't look at it as a type of betrayal and don't accuse the person of withholding love. They cannot return feelings that do not exist, and it is unfair of you to project on them the shortcomings and inabilities of your parents or previous lovers.
Also, there is nothing wrong with you yourself, either. Remember that!
5. Rediscover Yourself
As mentioned, it is easy to become obsessed with the object of your unrequited love and to idealize or create an unreal fantasy of who they are.
These fantasies will often take over and cause you to try to escape real life. Or, you may also believe that this person is the answer to all your dreams and that your needs and future happiness is dependent on them alone.
If you reach this point, it is time to rediscover your own identity.
6. Enjoy being single
Recovering from unrequited love is like going through a breakup and getting over a relationship.
You need to relearn how to be happy on your own.
This does not mean that you do not desire relationships, because as humans we enjoy connectedness with other people, but these relationships should not define you. If you are independent and happy on your own, you will be able to experience relationships with others on a much deeper level!
7. Seek healthy relationships based on equality
Find someone who is your equal, someone who likes you for you (just the way you are) and who makes you feel happy and connected rather than miserable and frustrated.
You may know this person already. Or not, it doesn't matter.
Just keep your heart open to the possibility of finding someone who can reciprocate your feelings and build a mutual relationship.
8. Allow yourself to grow
Use this experience as a opportunity for change and self growth. It may hurt now, but nothing is a waste of time if you can use what you have learned to create a better future!
In the words of author, James Matthew Barrie, "Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow."
Final Words about Unrequited Love / One Way Love
Throughout the centuries, it has been a popular topic for renowned poets and playwrights. It is the plot of great romance novels and the theme of countless movies. However, while an intriguing love triangle may make for exciting television, it is not much fun to experience in real life.
In fact, you may feel as if you have been drawn into your own personal nightmare, facing feelings of embarrassment, rejection, and guilt. You may even find yourself behaving in unexplained ways that affect your daily life.
But, even in the midst of this, unrequited love can be used as a self-discovery tool, a way to recognize what needs to be changed so you can deal with those things that may be holding you back!
Questions that Make You Think
Ask yourself, "Is this relationship helping me to become who I was meant to be? Or, is it limiting my level of empowerment? Will it assist me on my quest for unity and wholeness, or is it a distraction?"
Empower Yourself!
In order to experience true joy and empowerment, you've got to understand what's going on and then let go of those things that are holding you back. You must release them so you can enjoy freedom.
Whether it is your first experience or you are trapped in a continual cycle, it is time to take back your life! You are an amazing and unique person and you deserve to be in a relationship that is based on growth, unity, and true mutual love.
"Love is never lost. If not reciprocated it will flow back and soften and purify the heart."
~ Washington Irving ~
If you are or have been a 'victim' of unrequited love, don't live your life in bitterness and anger. Decide to let it go, learn how to let it go, and embrace the possibilities of a better future. Let your experiences soften and purify your heart so that you are ready to both give and receive love.
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